2ND ANNUAL SUMMER MOVIE EXTRAVAGANZA|
By BIG RED
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Summer is here, and the popular press is jam-packed with articles about movies. Their covers feature the stars of the moment: Christian Bale, Johnny Depp, Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Alba, Tom Cruise and (somewhat strangely) Michael Chiklis. It is time once again for mindless blockbusters, films that squeeze thin bits of plot between extended action sequences and explosions.
An undercurrent runs through many of these articles, though, hinting at a bit of Hollywood panic. While summer blockbusters may be huge, they are making much less money than ever before. Revenues have taken a sharp down-turn, and both the studios and theatres are feeling the pinch.
Before launching into our Second Annual Summer Movie Extravaganza, Big RED thought it would be constructive to offer some ways for theatres to increase profits during the summer movie season. We offer this advice free of charge, and any studio or theatre that wishes to implement our ideas may do so without paying royalties.
1: $5 for a bag of Twizzlers?!!!
Perhaps people would buy more snacks if it didn't require a second mortgage to buy popcorn and a drink.
And no, we do not want to supersize it for 31 cents more.
2: For some strange reason, as the summer days grow warmer, the temperature in theatres grows colder. Temperatures that would be scandalous in the winter, when people are wearing pants and sweaters, are considered acceptable in the summer. It is hard to see the movie through the fog of one's breath. We would suggest that you turn down the A/C, but that is probably unreasonable.
So, instead, we suggest that you take advantage of the sub-zero temperatures in your theatres. The empty seats in the back could be used for storing sides of beef, or for keeping beverages cold. During evening hours, when the zoo is closed, Polar bears, penguins and other arctic creatures could occupy the open space below the screen, fed by stray popcorn and the occasional Milk Dud. Surely zoos, liquor stores and butchers would pay handsomely for efficient and spacious cold storage.
3: Ban the FANTA girls.
99% of the reason no one goes to theatres anymore is to avoid the FANTA girls. They are more obnoxious than Pauly Shore, Gilbert Gottfried and Rosanne Barr combined. After them, the Fandango ads are a welcome relief!
Those are our suggestions. The sooner you implement them, the sooner you will see an upturn in your profits.
And now, without any further ado, the movie reviews!!!
(Click a review to the right. Return to this page to read more reviews.)
The First Annual Big RED Summer Movie Extravaganza
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